The Week I Said "Yes"
Nope, this entry is not about when my husband proposed to me, or when I agreed to be a camp counselor or anything so esoteric.
The first week of Lent this year (2019) I said yes a lot.
I started by saying yes to doing my friend's daughter's wedding when the first officiant had a medical emergency. That was an easy yes, and it was a good yes, and I was really glad I did it, because it was a beautiful day. It was a joy to be a part of that.
Really it started way before that yes, however. I know I said that this blog isn't a ministry blog, but I also said that it is hard to remove that part of my life from who I am intrinsically. Part of being a minister means there are times during the year that are naturally busy, and never more so (for most) than Lent. Things build up to that time of year. It is never at the same time, like Christmas, where you can basically know things like this is what the weather is usually like or this particular "high holy" day always fall on this date or day of this particular month. I wish it were that predictable. It's not. I know there is some lunar calendar and there is a way to predict exactly when Lent falls in any given year, but I'm not that savvy. I try really hard to put stuff on my calendar as soon as I agree to it, but something happened this year. Maybe it was because I'm still moving through a journey of grieving; maybe it had something to do with phone calls coming while I was perusing the aisles of the local Target; maybe it was guilt about not being as present for P-Man as I need/want to be during his senior year; whatever it was, I said yes, and I said it a lot.
First, I agreed to scheduling P-Man's every 2-year cardiology appointment on the first morning of finals during the first week of Lent. In my defense I scheduled this 3 months ago while in the throws of Christmas preparations - mentally finals was so far away, I wasn't really focused there.
Then someone died. We can't control that and the needs of a family far outweigh scheduling conflicts or overloading, so I said yes to a funeral/memorial service on Thursday of the first week of Lent. Remember that line about guilt? I said yes to not only helping with the Bingo fundraiser for "Great Grad" (the all night graduation party for P-Man's class), but I agreed to make raffle ticket jars, pen holding jars and two raffle baskets: that's all happening Wednesday night the first week of Lent. On Ash Wednesday it snowed and iced. We canceled the worship and rescheduled it for Sunday evening, because it feels weird to start Lent without the atoning ritual, on the Sunday evening (after leading two worship services) of the first week of Lent. And we watched the movie after that and a dinner I mostly made, to prepare for the Lenten Bible Study that's based on said movie. I also said yes to substituting at the Middle School on the Monday of the first week of Lent: I am in fact sitting in the resource room right now awaiting any student who needs a break or a cool down or a refocusing - it's not hard, but it is another yes.
I intentionally scheduled the Lenten Bible Study: one on Mondays, one on Tuesdays to accommodate every one who wanted to participate. There's a women's ministry study group that meets on the 2nd Thursday of every month and that too is an intentional thing. These are important, needed things. So is Bunco, which is Thursday night, and you guessed it, I said, "Yes I'm going", because that too is a needed thing - for me.
Anyone looking at my calendar right at this moment would say, "You're crazy!" And yes, I am, but it's okay. You see, none of these things are bad or a drudgery. Not one activity is something I don't want to do, but I said yes a lot; so much so that I almost said no to something really important - myself.
I was driving home from church last night. I'd just finished the make up Ash Wednesday - Dinner - Movie deal, and I was turning onto the highway to make my way home. Suddenly a huge lump formed in my throat and I thought, "I'm going to cry! Why am I going to cry?" I'd actually been pretty emotional all day with no real comprehension of why. I didn't want to cry. I don't have time for this, I kept thinking. But deep down I knew I actually did need to cry or scream or I don't know what, to release something. So I called my mother. She talked me down until I could arrive safely at home. She had me list all those yeses, one by one. She listened to me rationalize why each thing is important and vital this week. Then she said, "Wow, I'm overwhelmed just listening to you. Do you think you're a little overwhelmed?" I'm a lot overwhelmed. She and my dad said they loved me and we hung up, and I sat in my car and breathed, deeply and I cried. I didn't messy cry - I might, later - I just" release this crazy energy" cried.
During this first week of Lent I'm "a lot" overwhelmed with some wonderful things, things I want to do and will do, one day at a time. I said yes, maybe more than I should, and I will meet each opportunity with a smile. And I said yes to me; to letting myself feel what I'm feeling, and instead of apologizing for my messy feelings, embracing them for what they are, a release of pent up stuff. That's my "Random Panda" today: feel things and be okay with feeling them.
Blessings
The first week of Lent this year (2019) I said yes a lot.
I started by saying yes to doing my friend's daughter's wedding when the first officiant had a medical emergency. That was an easy yes, and it was a good yes, and I was really glad I did it, because it was a beautiful day. It was a joy to be a part of that.
Really it started way before that yes, however. I know I said that this blog isn't a ministry blog, but I also said that it is hard to remove that part of my life from who I am intrinsically. Part of being a minister means there are times during the year that are naturally busy, and never more so (for most) than Lent. Things build up to that time of year. It is never at the same time, like Christmas, where you can basically know things like this is what the weather is usually like or this particular "high holy" day always fall on this date or day of this particular month. I wish it were that predictable. It's not. I know there is some lunar calendar and there is a way to predict exactly when Lent falls in any given year, but I'm not that savvy. I try really hard to put stuff on my calendar as soon as I agree to it, but something happened this year. Maybe it was because I'm still moving through a journey of grieving; maybe it had something to do with phone calls coming while I was perusing the aisles of the local Target; maybe it was guilt about not being as present for P-Man as I need/want to be during his senior year; whatever it was, I said yes, and I said it a lot.
First, I agreed to scheduling P-Man's every 2-year cardiology appointment on the first morning of finals during the first week of Lent. In my defense I scheduled this 3 months ago while in the throws of Christmas preparations - mentally finals was so far away, I wasn't really focused there.
Then someone died. We can't control that and the needs of a family far outweigh scheduling conflicts or overloading, so I said yes to a funeral/memorial service on Thursday of the first week of Lent. Remember that line about guilt? I said yes to not only helping with the Bingo fundraiser for "Great Grad" (the all night graduation party for P-Man's class), but I agreed to make raffle ticket jars, pen holding jars and two raffle baskets: that's all happening Wednesday night the first week of Lent. On Ash Wednesday it snowed and iced. We canceled the worship and rescheduled it for Sunday evening, because it feels weird to start Lent without the atoning ritual, on the Sunday evening (after leading two worship services) of the first week of Lent. And we watched the movie after that and a dinner I mostly made, to prepare for the Lenten Bible Study that's based on said movie. I also said yes to substituting at the Middle School on the Monday of the first week of Lent: I am in fact sitting in the resource room right now awaiting any student who needs a break or a cool down or a refocusing - it's not hard, but it is another yes.
I intentionally scheduled the Lenten Bible Study: one on Mondays, one on Tuesdays to accommodate every one who wanted to participate. There's a women's ministry study group that meets on the 2nd Thursday of every month and that too is an intentional thing. These are important, needed things. So is Bunco, which is Thursday night, and you guessed it, I said, "Yes I'm going", because that too is a needed thing - for me.
Anyone looking at my calendar right at this moment would say, "You're crazy!" And yes, I am, but it's okay. You see, none of these things are bad or a drudgery. Not one activity is something I don't want to do, but I said yes a lot; so much so that I almost said no to something really important - myself.
I was driving home from church last night. I'd just finished the make up Ash Wednesday - Dinner - Movie deal, and I was turning onto the highway to make my way home. Suddenly a huge lump formed in my throat and I thought, "I'm going to cry! Why am I going to cry?" I'd actually been pretty emotional all day with no real comprehension of why. I didn't want to cry. I don't have time for this, I kept thinking. But deep down I knew I actually did need to cry or scream or I don't know what, to release something. So I called my mother. She talked me down until I could arrive safely at home. She had me list all those yeses, one by one. She listened to me rationalize why each thing is important and vital this week. Then she said, "Wow, I'm overwhelmed just listening to you. Do you think you're a little overwhelmed?" I'm a lot overwhelmed. She and my dad said they loved me and we hung up, and I sat in my car and breathed, deeply and I cried. I didn't messy cry - I might, later - I just" release this crazy energy" cried.
During this first week of Lent I'm "a lot" overwhelmed with some wonderful things, things I want to do and will do, one day at a time. I said yes, maybe more than I should, and I will meet each opportunity with a smile. And I said yes to me; to letting myself feel what I'm feeling, and instead of apologizing for my messy feelings, embracing them for what they are, a release of pent up stuff. That's my "Random Panda" today: feel things and be okay with feeling them.
Blessings
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